A Plea to the Stone-Cold Heart
Talking to the Sky
The whole mess is stupid, and continues for no real reason at all, only for vanity and an inability to break the silence, an obstinate decision, made for you, to refuse to speak truth, to admit, and a fear of having to explain the mistake to others. So you will just continue to make it, telling yourself that you didn’t want me, never wanted me, and don’t want anything to do with me now, to avoid the grief of having to say you were wrong, and that of allowing me to do the same, to explain, a fear of having to commit to what you reactively threw away for no reason. And you know damn well that you’re full of shit.
You and I clicked, understood each other without words, even when you were trying to play distant, being cold, for the sake of their eyes, worried about what they would think. I could see it in your change of tone, when you let yourself start to fall and then, paranoid that you had, tried to take it back and close yourself off. When I complimented you, sick of hearing you down yourself, and you clung to me afterward, so happy. When you were crushed after I let you go. You threw yourself on me and you know you did. But you are still rationalizing that away now, because of how you misled them about it all, on their command, and are still afraid of their judgment.
Who gives a shit what they think? Seriously. Why do you let others control your life, your happiness? And what do you get for it but set up with more vain, shitty men, fucking adult infants?
You’ve read every word for years, watched, felt concern, driven once to reach out, anonymously, not wanting them to know. Someone who doesn’t care simply does not do that. They don’t, no matter how obsessive they are, no matter what excuses they tell themselves. They turn their head and forget. You couldn’t bring yourself to do it. Why? I’m sure you tell yourself it was just to see how deranged I was, if I was lying about you. Really? For years? I’ve never lied about you, like you did me, even if you refuse to admit the truth, and I was never deranged. Your desperate need to placate other people, people who tell you what to do, is. Your over-the-top attempt to deny your feelings and then destroy me was. And my over-the-top response to your attacks destroyed you … because you loved me. Stop denying it. Otherwise it would not have had such a deep impact. You can’t keep lying to yourself about it. No, you watched, you read, because you loved me and still do. Even if you’ve never called it that, that’s what it is. That’s what drives the need. I may not be the only person who’s ever understood you. But I know I am the only man who’s ever bothered to really try. I could tell by your reactions, and loved you for what I found. And all this other garbage shouldn’t matter. It’s pointless self-denial, self-inflicted turmoil, self-hatred.
If I’m wrong about it all, then I’m wrong, and, yes, I care about your choices, as you do mine. But I would rather be wrong and live with my delusions than know that you’re just a shallow, neurotic asshole who really only wants vacant-minded, self-absorbed douchebags who treat you like a possession, that all you really care about is how they look and what they have. People like that don’t care about the things we talked about. It just doesn’t jive with what I found in you. But I guess that’s what you want, since you keep letting them in, convinced that the one for you has to be someone from your past, someone your friends will put their stamp of approval on. They stamped the other ones too, told you how great it was, congratulated you. The ones you had to run from. You keep choosing the same fucking person and doing that over and over again. That’s truly insane.
But, if I am right, then stop it. Stop letting other people dictate to you. Seriously, grow up, because letting people dictate your life isn’t that, and speak. End this shit forever. Take back what you did, what you said, and let me do the same. I can’t come to you. You made that impossible. But, if you come to me, you’ll quickly find that everything can be solved. There is no obstacle that is insurmountable. Yeah, it’s not a cakewalk. There’s no trust left. But there can be. There can even be love. All you have to do is make that decision. I promise not to use it against you. Everything can be slow. But you have to try.
However, if you decide to choose another ignoramus, another fake guy ,with fake faith and shallow motives, someone who has no interest in knowing who you are inside, then that’s on you. Is that really what you want? Or what they want? Because you’re choosing to throw away the greatest gift, the only real gifts we can give: unconditional love and loyalty. I’ve fought for you. I’ve never let you leave my heart. And you have never let me go. You can’t deny it. So, you can either suck it up and fight or reconcile yourself to whatever it is you think you’re “supposed” to do. If you choose not to, if you choose not to even give it a chance again, then that’s that. It doesn’t matter anyway. We’re getting old and will both be dead soon. The pain will end one way or another.
I am open to you. You know where I am and how to reach me. There’s even a way to do so that can’t be followed on the page you watch and have others watch. All it takes is minimal effort and letting go of fear. We can build something unassailable, which we both love. I cannot replace you, but you cannot replace me either, even if you pretend to. If not, if you can’t be honest with yourself, I understand. But, yes, I will hate you, because you betrayed kismet and lied. But I will hope you’re content with the vapid man-children, even though I know as well as you do that you can never be, not in your heart of hearts. You were meant for more than that, and you’ve done it all before. It’s time to live, not trap yourself again.
And that’s all there is. There’s nothing else to say.